Some people have a green thumb. My mom was like plant hospice. She helped potted plants pass on with dignity.
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“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Hello, my voicemail is currently unavailable. To leave a message please speak slowly and clearly into the nearest toaster
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend… especially the mom that many years ago was leaving a very busy playground and her kid yelled to his brother “hurry up! Mom wants too poop pretty bad!”
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.