Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun

“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom

Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?

Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!

Roadkill is just a goth zoo

I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records

Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat

*sales call

Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..

Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever

[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!

The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.

Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way

In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection

Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?

Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?

Me: yes.

Hermit crabs fact: They can be got rid of with a special shampoo but hermits are often too reclusive to visit the pharmacy.

You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier

Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.

There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?

I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again

“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne

[First day of jury duty]

*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?

Him: Wanna see my prison tats?

Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys

Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in

The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.

Shame, he’s very attractive.

Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?

volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first

im not a very good poker player cause my eyes turn into big dollar signs when i see that i have a good hand

Friday

Love means never having to say you’re sorry.

…so does murder.

Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.

“go to hell” is basic. “i hope James cordon plays a starring role in the movie of your favorite musical” is real. it’s possible. it’s terrifying.

me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this

[outside]

getaway driver: is he in line

Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!