Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
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olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Main problem with house prices is the numbers are simply Too Big. What is six hundred thousand dollars. That’s just word salad. A house should be “fifty bucks”
Math at Halloween.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’