Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
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Last night I served this couple and I said “hey how are you ladies tonight?” And one said “we are great thanks” and in the thickest Jamaican accent her girlfriend stopped her and said “dont tell her I’m good. I’m never good. I’m awful. I need food immediately” obsessed with her
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Never let them know your next move 😂
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
I love this❤️😁👍
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor