Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
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Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
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Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.