Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
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[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
where there’s a whale there’s a whale
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels