Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
You Might Also Like
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
consequences, the bane of my existence
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Ha
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Your honor my client doesn’t like jail
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.