Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
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Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
