Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like

“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.

Bear

If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.

Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.

You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..

I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it

‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’

– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.

Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again

My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.

We get it, Aaron. You like vowels

Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!

Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir

*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!

I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.

she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.

“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”

Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.

TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going

“Band? We thought you said ban”

TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?

i hate it when someone gives me a valid solution to my problem and i have to find something new to complain about

Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.

any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow

GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.

I’d describe him as a little standoffish.

Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.

If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.

I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match

men, we mow at sunrise.

Helpful phrases:

“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”

I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.