Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
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penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
idk if im pregnant or what but i been craving 3 million dollars so bad
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
A Short Story.
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
*pronounces fake like saké*
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.