Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience

photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one

#have a #great #PancakeDay

Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith

ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”

THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”

Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.

Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.

I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.

What’s a second date like?

LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up

The massive row between me and my wife at her cousin’s wedding was actually staged because I needed to leave early for a work thing, and she wanted to get back at her cousin for getting engaged at our wedding.

I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.

Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.

HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:

STEP 1: buy a recliner

STEP 2: buy some beer

STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods

a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry

When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.

My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes

In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic

Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.

ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang

SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?

ME: I have no idea

Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.

Me: No, two of those are clean.

HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.

ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.

The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”

Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy

Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?

So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.

a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute

culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”

[in the insect dissection room]

Your fly is open.

I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.