Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I see that your IQ test came back negative.

i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good

When someone asks me if my twins are natural I tell them no they’re robots.

It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’

The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.

[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?

PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.

Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.

So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?

Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs

– my dog

In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏

Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁

DATE: Wtf are you doing?

ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.

Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!

Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?

Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy

reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke

The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.

Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’

*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*

Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.

[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”

*leads a conga line off of a bridge

we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes

🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP

The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.

It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.

Wife: I remember your proposal

Me: Oh yeah?

Wife: It was so romantic

Me: It was?

Wife: You put in so much effort

Me:

Wife: That was Steve?

Me: That was Steve

You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.

The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.

I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.

Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.

A roomba that swears every time it hits something.

I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.