Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30

Gucci: What about $200?

Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine

[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]

I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.

Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.

Now, everyone come help me find Carl.

In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.

Broke my make-up mirror this morning.

I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”

It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.

Receptionist: the doctor can see you now

invisible man who’s also blind: who said that

receptionist: who said that

Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.

In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)

Always a housemaid, never a house.

New PR on the treadmill today…I was able to hang 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants

Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!

[at funeral] You really had to see him live

Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website

Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement

Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground

*watches a house fall on you*

*steals your shoes*

If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?

A Swallow.

my sister, since we’re at a 10-hour time difference now, which means that she lives “in the future”

As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.

Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?

Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic

Teacher: 😐😐😐

This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’

guess i’m a roast carrot now

6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken

😳

My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”

When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.

I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.

my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”