Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
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When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Me: What’s the opposite of squaring a number?
My teen: Circling?
Ask a stupid math question
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
My dad teaching me to drive
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.