Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
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My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)