Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
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Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.