Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
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gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
look scared
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Me: [a puppy mediator in the old west] get along, little doggies
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
This week, we’re celebrating International No Wi-Fi Day! 📴✨
#WawawiwaComics
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
Straight people are cancelled
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
“Preventative care” means something totally different during parenthood. {moves glass of orange juice away from edge of table}
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon