Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

stalking her spotify playlists on the desktop version and looking at each date a song was added and cross referencing it with my own perceived timeline of events then analyzing the data and making assumptions that are probably incorrect because idk i have a lot of issues

Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday

After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is

The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.

I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.

In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.

I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.

*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?

[first day in a new house]

Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home

Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit

You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.

I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream

Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.

Pessimist: it’s half empty

Optimist: it’s half full

Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?

Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?

I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.

Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.

Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.

Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies

*smashes car through your living room*

Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?

When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.

Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?

Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…

Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.

It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.

I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.

If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.

I’m so out of shape, I bring my phone to the mailbox in case I need an Uber to get back.

We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.

Your fav movie?

My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

Me: It

Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.

I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.

The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.

I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite

[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*