Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
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I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
God tier horse name today on the sims
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
[watching Disney movie]
Daughter: this movie is dumb.
Me: why?
Daughter: the bad guy just told the good guy everything he was gonna do through song.
Me: yeah lol.
Daughter: when I’m a villain I will simply not sing my evil plan out loud for all to hear.
Me: smart-wait what?
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
“Amanda Seyfried (left)”
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.
“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”
Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.