Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
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My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
You know you don’t have to give your bathroom a beach theme, there’s no law
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Witness: and in the lead up to the trial I was being intimidated, finding dead animals left on my doorstep.
Cat lawyer: objection! How can we trust someone who doesn’t know a BRIBE when they see one?
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.