Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
You Might Also Like
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
husband: Now is the time to start prepping for dinner, what do we want to get out?
me: How about a pork loin? I think pork loin is my favorite thing that you make.
17yo: I thought we were your favorite thing Dad made.
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
I was trying to catch a cricket in the house this morning and was yelling at it, “I know this is scary, but stop struggling I’m trying to help you!” Probably the same thing the universe is always yelling at me.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.
What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
[checking IMDb while watching Planet of The Apes] …oh, the zoo! That’s what I know him from!
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*