Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
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If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
neighbors are automatically creepy because they’re strangers who know where you live
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.