Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
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They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
It’s almost like we’re living in a zoo if we charged the animals in the zoo for taxes, food, rent, and healthcare.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
im not a very good poker player cause my eyes turn into big dollar signs when i see that i have a good hand
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
bragging about how I’ve “really turned my life around recently” without mentioning in which direction
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Oops I deleted….
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”