Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
You Might Also Like
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
I鈥檝e had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
鈥楽up
馃幎 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schr枚edi
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
My pet snake took my kid鈥檚 disappearance so hard, he鈥檚 gained 110 lbs since last week.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.