Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
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After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
I’d like a food blog without recipes. Just stories of self-empowerment that somehow lead to butternut squash risotto.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
This was a bad idea all around
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
