Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
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My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
(At war) you guys mind if I leave a bit early today?
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
All I want for Christmas is for Santa to drop Mulder and Scully off in NJ to sort things out.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”