“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
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“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
dispatch, i’m on scene here in the woods. victims name is fudd. damnedest thing i ever seen. his rifle’s bent so the barrel was pointin back at him. witness said a rabbit run off right after the shot. yeah his head is off at the shoulders, clean. get me next of kin if ya can.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
I think I can now safely say that none of my co-workers were “personality hires”.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit