some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
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My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Dammit Chief not again
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am