Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.

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*Pulls away from Kissing*

Me: This isn’t weird is it?

Cat: Meow


This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!


My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.


Cop: Admit it! You killed that family

Murderer: You can’t prove anything…

Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing


Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.


I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators


boss: you know what’s weird

me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?

boss: how the flin— yes exactly


5: I miss Mama’s food.

Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.

5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.

Me: oh.

5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.


My name is
My name is
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”


“Chivalry isn’t dead,” I say, watching one zombie hold the door open for another.