@shwebby3
*Pulls away from Kissing*
Me: This isn’t weird is it?
Cat: Meow
@Jake_Vig
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
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@shwebby3
@QwertyJones3
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
@Brianhopecomedy
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
@chuuew
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
@Statistar30
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
@janehilll
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
@TweetPotato314
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
@lmegordon
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
@daemonic3
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
@JasonLastname
“Chivalry isn’t dead,” I say, watching one zombie hold the door open for another.