@ClichedOut
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
@Jake_Vig
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
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@ClichedOut
@abbygov
“you’re so beautiful” nice try Jesse the Uber driver, i bet you say that to all the vulnerable and scared women who get into your car alone
@JayMindX
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
@fakemikemulloy
*buying beer*
CASHIER: how old are you?
ME, 19 YEARS OLD: 22, I was born on May 7, 1982 at 8:45 am, it was a cloudy day about 45 degrees, Olivia Newton John’s “Physical” was topping the charts
ME, 32 YEARS OLD: ummmm, thirty something? Like 32, maybe 33. What year is now?
@ArfMeasures
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
@sensual_dad
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
@EddieMcSugarnut
Lost cat? Cats know where they live. Your cat didn’t like you.
@missmayn
Donald Trump should start preparing for next season of Dancing With The Stars.
@UnFitz
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
@Cheeseboy22
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.