James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
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“you’re so beautiful” nice try Jesse the Uber driver, i bet you say that to all the vulnerable and scared women who get into your car alone
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
CASHIER: how old are you?
ME, 19 YEARS OLD: 22, I was born on May 7, 1982 at 8:45 am, it was a cloudy day about 45 degrees, Olivia Newton John’s “Physical” was topping the charts
ME, 32 YEARS OLD: ummmm, thirty something? Like 32, maybe 33. What year is now?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Lost cat? Cats know where they live. Your cat didn’t like you.
Donald Trump should start preparing for next season of Dancing With The Stars.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.