Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
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These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
I’m tired tomorrow.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently