@Jake_Vig

Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.

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@ClichedOut

James Blunt: you’re beautiful

James Blunter: I’ve seen better

@abbygov

“you’re so beautiful” nice try Jesse the Uber driver, i bet you say that to all the vulnerable and scared women who get into your car alone

@JayMindX

“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”

-Humans

@fakemikemulloy

*buying beer*

CASHIER: how old are you?

ME, 19 YEARS OLD: 22, I was born on May 7, 1982 at 8:45 am, it was a cloudy day about 45 degrees, Olivia Newton John’s “Physical” was topping the charts

ME, 32 YEARS OLD: ummmm, thirty something? Like 32, maybe 33. What year is now?

@ArfMeasures

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Wife: Let me do the talking

Cop: No, I’ll do the talking

Me: Why is your wife even with you

Cop: There you go, I said this would happen

@sensual_dad

therapist: so, how are you feeling?

me: i’m feeling ok

therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma

@missmayn

Donald Trump should start preparing for next season of Dancing With The Stars.

@UnFitz

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?

@Cheeseboy22

One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.