Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
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brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Investing in beetcoin
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
it’s finally my moment to shine