Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!

I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese

Tupperware is filing for bankruptcy. They would have kept a lid on the news but they couldn’t find one.

I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.

Dad, we’re right in front of you

Uh….. go ask your mom.

You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.

I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.

I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.

The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.

My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful

Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend

I’ll do a psychic reading for you free of charge on account of I have no idea what I’m doing

If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.

I don’t make the rules.

if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised

kidnapper: we have your son

my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi

I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.

“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE

my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps

The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:

1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween

For all the people who doubted me:
You were right

[at the auto parts store]

Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler

Counter Guy: What size engine

You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.

TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them

This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen

I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka

the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud

“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”

– condescending con descending

It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad

You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.

*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*