some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
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I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
This publishing job says applicants must currently live in Illinois, but then relocate to Michigan. WTF? Why??
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
The secret to being a private person is to overshare dumb shit so people think you are an open book but then not tell them any of the important details of your life.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts