some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
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I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
My body: please we are begging you to eat a vegetable or drink a single glass of water
me looking at the christmas cookie tray:
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
The BMI chart says that for my height I should weigh 160 lbs.
My skeleton weighs 160 lbs.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Okay, he’s ricocheted off a few buildings, but he seems fine now.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
waiter: I’ll be right back with your ticket
me: can you just let me go with a warning this time
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work