Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.

EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy

The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.

I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.

Cats are so graceful and light-footed.

[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]

I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first

Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant

Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s

I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.

I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”

can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.

I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.

The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”

” I made my famous dip for the office party”

You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.

“But he wasn’t a chef”

Exactly

Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.

bartender: what’s wrong with you

best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast

bartender: well that’s excessive-

best man: mike is the groom

The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.

The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.

If the zombie apocalypse happens we’re double screwed because at least 70 million are on record as having no brain

Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*

I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog

My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.

The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music

The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.

[Fancy restaurant]

DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants

ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS

old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something

Sirens: *luring me to my death*

Me: *finger guns*

Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.

[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.

Customer service: how can I help you?

Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh

I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.