Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
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Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.