“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
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Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Just yelled “LET’S DO THIS” when getting into my car, so my neighbors think I am doing something way cooler than my weekly Target run.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
“when we kissed, I saw fireworks” you mean the kiss was super boring despite also being incredibly loud and scaring the shit out of my dog?
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
