“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
You Might Also Like
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
astonishing that every day people wake up and decide to have a go in the menswear guy replies. “I’m gonna put this guy in his place.” no you’re not. you’re a henchman breaking into John Wick’s home. you’ve made bad life choices
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.