Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
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PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Not all drugs are cool, but one is dope
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
plums roundup
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
You may hate the thought of moles, warts and skin tags but after a while, they grow on you.