Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
You Might Also Like
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
The little toadstool has spoken.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
I’m in a hotel and someone named Emily has multi mode turned on. Should I connect to her speaker and put on this playlist
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Are the people in charge of naming the Valspar paints ok?
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
Fight fire with water. Idiots.