Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
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I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Me when my alarm goes off
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other