Some people say the key to a successful marriage is communication, but it’s actually keeping your mouth shut when they send you anything from the Internet that you already saw two weeks ago.
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Name this drama.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
My doctor using a spatula to peel me off the wax paper.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Choosing the correct font is crucial…
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
🎵 I can’t wait to
