Some people say the key to a successful marriage is communication, but it’s actually keeping your mouth shut when they send you anything from the Internet that you already saw two weeks ago.
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Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
don’t we all
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
This is war. The Boys tv show stole my joke about a TSA agent named Pat Magroin
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.