Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo

You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…

* My life flashes before my eyes*

Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!

I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”

“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”

Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile

BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.

COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.

I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies

I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.

Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match

Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it”.

You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.

In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.

Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.

I try not to let avocados go bad anymore cause last time I let an avocado go bad, it stole my car and robbed a bank

I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.

If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?

By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.

Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.

Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal

I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..

Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎

Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*

Me: what are you-

Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!

Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!

Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely af

Calling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck

My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.

Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will

An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.

I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.