Some people say the key to a successful marriage is communication, but it’s actually keeping your mouth shut when they send you anything from the Internet that you already saw two weeks ago.
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You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Me: Have you been following the H1B stuff? My wife: No, what happened? Did it mutate to infect humans?
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?