Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spotted in New Orleans.

My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest

I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.

WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway

SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect

“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”

I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.

it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy

I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.

Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor

I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name

the Monday after daylight savings

What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?

My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.

Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.

When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.

adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that

microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update

sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested

Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.

Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?

Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.

I have many caverns

Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.

Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!

FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.

[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”

Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”

[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]

sisyphus was lowkey stupid just pushing that boulder over and over again 🙄🙄🙄 anyway this is the 15th time i reset my password this year but i do not need to write it down because this time i will for SURE remember it

You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”

Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?