“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
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I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
I told my vodka about you.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
just walked into a wine tasting w my friends and announced “these are my taste buds” and not one person hi fived me
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
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“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.