“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
You Might Also Like
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
I’m sure it’s fine.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
It’s above my pay grade to try to debate or change minds on social media. If you want to call a fish a squirrel, you’re right. Look at that squirrel swim
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?