“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
You Might Also Like
welp
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Today my friend who cuts my hair told me last year my husband walked in to the salon one afternoon and said “I want to dye my hair blonde but I don’t want to look like I’m going through a personal crisis. Do you think we can accomplish that?”
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Just tried a “sorry this is my first day” to a customer’s question and he was like I saw you here two weeks ago!
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
It’s okay to have a favorite child, especially if one of your kids is great at baking.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.