Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
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I just want the confidence of my teen who replied “Who’s this?” to a guy who texted her after ghosting her for a month.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet