Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
You Might Also Like
Me, abandoning the call I’m making after two unanswered rings: “well, I tried my absolute best to reach them, not sure what more I could’ve done”
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
I’m sorry but how the hell did we land on the moon and back in 1969 but can’t retrieve our astronauts from the Space Station in 2024?
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.