Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
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A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I’ve read some obituaries with great pleasure.”
— Mark Twain
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
China has now legalised all gambling on the condition that it doesn’t make any political statement or upset public order.
Congratulations China, you are all now free to bet.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.