Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
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*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
my dad would read teen books as they were becoming popular so if we asked to read them he knew if they were appropriate, which means that he read the entire twilight saga before i did and was like, “i mean you can read it if you want but it’s really weird.”
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…
“Constant super-vision”
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Attention: will the owner of a small blue planet with tectonic plates please attend to your vehicle. It is overheating.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
discovering that i’ve become kind of a savant for determining if checked baggage is under the weight limit because 23kg is just a bit under the weight of a full 20L keg. just one of the many positive things beer has given me