Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
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9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Ok, mammals, you had your chance. I’m voting for a reptile this year.
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
I just squealed when I saw my daughter brought home 2 lost water bottles from school. This is my life now.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in hereMe: *pausing microwave
What?
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
