Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
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You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.