Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
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Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Active voice: “I love your article”
Passive voice: “Your article is loved”
Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”