Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
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bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
*my cat, who has 3 different beds and a cat tree* I must sleep on the clothes you have laid out for the day
Cannot stop laughing at this
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
this is 10/10 content no notes
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.
?????
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”