Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer

me: were they favorable

Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.

The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.

My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.

[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day

Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?

My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?

Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.

Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!

My dad:

Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.

*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*

A marinara trench sounds nice tbh

It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.

You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways

– People who apparently want to go missing

[ autumn, 1579 ]

pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!

spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!

susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth

I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work

Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.

*me to my dog.

Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?

Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.

The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.

[My first day as an architecture major]

*raises hand*

When are we going to learn how to build gingerbread houses?

we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably

I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit

When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.

Thinking about stepping down from being an adult, I’m just not in the right headspace for this position right now.
I really appreciate the opportunity though.

Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.

When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.

Customer service: how can I help you?

Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh

Does this thing get good gas mileage?

-my husband being kidnapped

white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”

If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.

The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.

Robert the Bruce is the worst name in history. It’s like hi I’m Bob the Tom and this is my friend Todd the Ted.