Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
