Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
😂💯
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
I love Sunday nights because that’s the night I ask my kids if they have any homework that needs to get done & always get a resounding “NO!”
And then someone will be asking for printer paper at 11pm.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Gas station lines at 2 am:
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
