Some people stay longer in a toilet than in a relationship.
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Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
that colleague who touches your screen
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.