Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
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got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
I wish all tests were things you peed on
I love Sunday nights because that’s the night I ask my kids if they have any homework that needs to get done & always get a resounding “NO!”
And then someone will be asking for printer paper at 11pm.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
How did they get kids to pose for oil paintings mine won’t sit still for 4 seconds for a family photo
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.