Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
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*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.