Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….

Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.

Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.

Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant

HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX

By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies

Of course I’m a morning person, why do you ask?

Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.

Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.

coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.

To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:

Do you want something from the gas station?

[First Date]

Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?

*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*

Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!

When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.

ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.

HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?

ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.

one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”

I will eventually talk about something other than Cyberpunk, but they just gave me a quest to teach a vending machine to swear, so that won’t be today.

HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!

ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.

Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.

Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!

Him: …

Me: …

Him: …

Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-

Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside

Me: *buys item from online retailer*

Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW

Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”

MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.

“To each their own”

Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.

I don’t need a participation trophy. I don’t want anyone to know that I was here.

A devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and they’re both equally responsible for me failing my maneuverability test

god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…

Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.

I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend

[first day as lawyer]

me: obj—

judge: —shut up noob

God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*

Adam: That’s a weird way to make people

God: Lol wait till you see how she does it

Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.

Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.