Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.

[working in garage]

“Hand me a screwdriver, son”

A flat one?

“No”

[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go

tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear

Why ‘airport KFC’ and not ‘Kentucky Fried Check-In’?

“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?

Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.

I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.

[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!

ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though

HER [Batman voice] thanks

The walk of shame takes on a whole new level when it’s the morning after a Halloween party and you’re dressed as a Ninja Turtle.

[first day in the crime lab]

me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists

Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.

Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS

me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.

cookie:

Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.

Text: How come you stopped drinking?

Me: Because I kept waking up with you.

Her: I hate you.

I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.

Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?

Me: is that on Netflix?

The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.

First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…

Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.

You’re welcome.

The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.

I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence

Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.

[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three

Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂

Tonight’s parenting lesson:

If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.

I need a shower.

I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it

If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.

Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”