Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?

Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.

you aren’t “dehydrated”, you have attachment issues and you were denied water as a child

Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.

Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.

Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?

Husband: Yes. We had more money.

I need better friends

Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?

Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.

*My parents at my birth*

Mom: she’s beautiful

Dad: she’s perfect.

Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.

I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.

That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”

Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.

Netflix: Watch it again

Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days

Netflix: Watch it again

Me: ok

*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*

And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”

Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…

“OMG DAD. WOW-”

…dboard box.

“But-”

Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.

[Super Villain Team Tryouts]

COACH: Tell me what you can do

MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal

LOKI: I’m a god

THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!

[late to work]

boss: well ??

me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.

I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.

prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”

You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?

Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it

You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?

is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?

-first day at work, orientation question

“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”

AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA

Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.

Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies

You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.