Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
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It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
Kids, do not try this at home!
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh