Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!

I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”

My 4-year-old just monologued at me for 25 minutes, paused, and then said “Can I tell you something?”

Me high af: are you in line?

Mannequin:

The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!

8-12yo’s apparently

Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.

[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*

*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*

Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?

Boy: January 1?

Girl: Valentine’s Day?

Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.

I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.

This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.

Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.

Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.

Them: You need to get a sense of humor.

Me: You need to say something funny.

I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.

When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.

[during sex]

Him: are you on your phone?

Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it

*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian*

*wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*

*Dresses up as a large butter knife

Im a super spreader

Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.

Other times they’re awake.

Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.

I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation

After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.

My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.

B2….

or not B2…

That might be the number.

–Shakespearean Bingo Caller

Him: I can’t sleep

Me: try counting sheep

Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?

Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*

just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers

I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.

[pulled over]

COP: Did you know you were speeding?

ME: I didn’t even know I was driving

COP: Out

[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]

My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!

I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.