Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
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Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
This is my pinned tweet
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Where’s my employee discount too?
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.