Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
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My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned