Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.

After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.

[first day in hell]

Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me

me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it

Hoping to spice up my evening

Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….

Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!

If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.

Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.

she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”

The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.

My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.

Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.

I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.

cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

me: is it the body in my trunk?

cop: haha

me: haha

body in my trunk: haha

Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”

When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already

Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!

Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!

Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.

me: do u take walk-ins?

morgue: what

me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude

me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude

Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.

Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.

*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*

The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.

I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.

You: Would you like a keto burger?

My Anaconda: No.

And it’s a gold to my husband for the best dad explanation of Fencing to our 10yr old.

“Fencing is where you have to go and put up a fence, with wood usually..”

At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”

took my kids to the trampoline park and within minutes one of them was attending a stranger’s birthday party and the other one let me know that she had made an ‘enemy for life’

i was dropped as an adult

4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!

Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!

Like I’d ever share my wine with her.

i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham