Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
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If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
I’m calling the cops.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.